Thought of you

Was just sitting watching TV and saw a little baby girl on the commercial with a cleft lip and thought oh my how time has gone by and how big Abigail would be right now, Her lip would have been fixed by now, even though I didn't want it to be. I miss her every day and some time like to think what she would be up to now, would she be playing on the floor with her baby toys laughing and giggling, or would she want to be held and snuggled. I like to think that she would like to be snuggled in her mommies arms, but that's just me. she had started to smile kind of, people told me it might have been gas but she was smiling at me I know. I just really missed her today alot.

Thoughts Today

Well it has been a long time since I wrote of this thing last. I have never been a myspace or facebook guy so blogging is also new. Today I woke up and read all the blogs about Abigail. I feel when my life gets crazy and hard to control I turn to the Abigail blogs and realize how crazy my life is nt. I look at her pictures and read her medical folders and see that her life was crazy and somehow she overcame because that was what she knew. I think I am a strong person mentally but when I think about my baby Abigail she has me beat. I will never understand how she fought for so long and fooled all the doctors into letting her come home. I am 25 years old and look up to her for courage and strength at times. I know we are not perfect and never will be but she was. I will be deploying very soon and will need her courage and strength to keep my head on straight. I find myself throughout the day telling Abigail thanks weather it is me almost falling off my truck or just making it through another day. Jennifer is pregnant with another baby a boy this time and I will miss the birth wish sucks but I know I have my Abigail wherever I am. I will need my baby girl more than ever coming up and know we will get though things together. One of the hardest things besides leaving my family for a year will be Abigail's blanket. I will explain since the day Abigail went to heaven Jennifer and I have slept every night with our Abigail blankets as we call them. I don’t care if we are 20 something years old sleeping with a baby blanket it makes us happy. I am going to be without my Abigail blanket and that is the part that I am nervous about not the possibility of getting shot at or blown up. I know Jennifer will take care of the blanket for me and that helps a little. I am going to take one of the prayer cards from Abigail’s service with me and my grandmas rosary with my. This rosary I was given to me after my grandma passed away and it has went with me to Boot Camp and on my last year deployment. So I think I will be looked after quite well when I am gone. I know this is all scattered thoughts and that’s all this is thoughts I am having right now. I love my family with all my heart and know they will be praying for me when I am gone. We all have Abigail a baby that was perfect in Gods and my eyes to look over us. She reminded us when times are tough and life has you down look at her courage and strength to get us through. I love you all and will miss you so much. See you when I get back
Buddy

That Abigail Look

I had a doctors appointment today and got to hear my babies heart beat for the second time but this was the first time Brian was there and while we were listening to the babies heart beat I was remember how Brian's face look when he first heard Abigail, it was the same look as today but that look was his Abigail look, it was the look of a loving father and he had that look every time he was near Abigail, he really had it if I would share and let him hold her. That look will always be his Abigail look even as he hears the heart beat of his new baby I will always think that is his Abigail look. When I think about holding my baby for the first time, I go over the first time Abigail was handed to me, and how awkward I was, may it be that I was a new mommy or that she could only be held a certain way and I think if I have a "normal" baby I am going to be even awkwarder than when I held Abigail. In my mind I want everything thing to be the way it was with Abigail minus the hospitals I loved the way she was so different and had her own way about her and I don't want to learn anything new. Everything a mom learns from her first baby she is suppose to be able to carry that learning in to her second, third, and maybe fourth baby but not me. I will have to fight the want to put the baby on it's tummy to sleep, for that is not the safe way anymore, but it was Abigail's way. I will have to learn how to use a really bottle, and not the bottle that you pump your breast milk in to, for that was all Abigail would drink out of (DIVA). This baby like most babies will probably want to be swaddled but I am not going to want to because I loved how Abigail would just lay on my chest and share her blankets with me so we could snuggle EVERY time she slept. I told these some what selfish thought to my mother who has had three kids and she told you will have to learn things over but every mother learns something from each kid that she didn't already know like with Jess she didn't like a binky but me and Tyler loved ours, or that I really like men but Tyler really like woman to hold us. She told me that my thoughts are not selfish in the way that I want to do things exactly how I did them with Abigail that all mom remember and cherish everything about their first. And the thing that hit home to me was that she said Abigail my first showed me how to be a mom and taught me how to love, and appreciate what motherhood was and that was one of the most important lessons that every mom can carry on to her next child. And than I got other words of wisdom from my sister (who is not a mom but think she is my mother sometimes) saying that every year things change it might be okay for babies to lay on their tummies in April, and Abigail might whisper in to her siblings ear and say it helps mom to relax if you lay on her chest and share your blanket with her. So I will learn, over come, and adapted but I will not forget my main lessons Abigail taught me, oh how she continues to teach.

Lost but never forgotten

Oh what a scare, early last week Brian got a call from a gentleman on his flight asking me if I could go down to the hospital for a baby boy had just passed away and the mom had asked if i would come. Now there was no thinking involved I knew I was need and mine and Brian's feelings would have to wait so I went to the hospital and helped the best I could. Brian got out of his class early so he could lend a helping hand to this mom in need. But that night me and Brian sat down and our emotions from the day just came out. I had kind of a chip on my shoulder cause the whole day i had to hide my emotions but to be completely honest I wanted to just crawl in my bed and cry the whole day away. Hearing that another baby had died just brought me right back to that night my baby girl pasted, this might not be the best way to deal with it but I block that night I think of other nights were she would lie on my chest and sleep or her big pretty baby eye looking at me as i feed her, but that morning that one horrid night came back and stuck with me the whole day. It has been about a week and though I have since been able to block that night out again I am still reminded that I had a great baby girl and she was taken from me and though I trust God and his plan it is still really hard. My lat post was of my new baby news and how excited we are but for a little bit I couldn't help but be sad that I will never hold my Abigail again and I felt for all the mom's that had lost their babies. But like I said I have since put up a new block and only think of the happy times and remember that Abigail gave me a new blessing and hope in the future that other mom's will be bless by their lost ones with a new joy.

A New Blessing

Abigail has blessed us again, Brian and I found out that we are expecting once again. By no means did we plan this and in my heart I fell it went a little something like this, Abigail walked up to god and said Father my mommy and daddy need another little blessing to help fill the hole in their hearts and God said you are right I will give them another little one. Finding out that I was going to have another little baby filled my heart with so many emotions, one being sadness it made me miss Abigail a little more, but another one being hope that we will have a health baby this time and that God will find it in his heart to allow us to keep this baby with us for longer than a month. We have along ways to go I am only 13 weeks and will have to have some test done to insure that this baby is indeed health and if not that we are not caught off guard again. On top of all our joy we have got news that Brian will be deploying for nine months but he said he is not worried for he has his very own saint to look after him. In my heart I hope for another little girl so I can some what honor my first born and give her Abigail has her middle name and in hope that by having that name she has strength to do anything, but if it is a boy we will not be sad because it will be one more person who we can share Abigail's story too. I know that this baby will be loved and looked after by not only family and friends but also by their big sister who will look and love from heaven. I am so excited and can not wait, for I know that Abigail had something to do with this pregnancy and it is just another thing on my list of thing that I will have to thank her for when I see her next.

Missing You Today

I think about Abigail every single day. Usually a big smile comes to my face. Her sweet face, her cuddly body or her perfect new baby smell always make my heart smile! Today I am missing you sweet baby Abigail, Auntie loves you so much!

3%

This last week me and Brian had to make the 2 and half hour trip down to LA again, but this time we end up come back with very at eased minds. Now I told Brian I would let him write the blog and tell everyone about what the doctor said, and well I will stick to my word but I just want to touch base on how I am feeling about all of it. Even before we were to go to the doctors I already had my mind set on having more babies (not at all right now but later) I would like four even, and no matter what the doctors told me I would have my four babies. So with that said I sort of went in the doctor with a closed mind, wanted to know the answers to my questions but if I didn't like them I would pretend I didn't hear them. But I need to neither, me and Brian were both told that we had "perfect" chromosome and that if we were to have another baby it was more than likely to be a normal healthy baby, we were told that every one has a 3% chance at have a not "normal" baby and that they never can say 100% that what happened to Abigail will not happen again but it is highly unlikely. I was so relieved, now I know that my next pregnancy will be treated as a high risk just because of what happened to My Abigail, but we were also told that there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. Abigail was a miracle and her case was rare very rare and like I have said before that we were so lucky to have her in our lives if only for a short time, but I am so relieve to know that my next baby I will MOST LIKELY have for way way long (if God willing). I hope I have not left you hang to much, Brian will tell all about the doctors trip and what we found out.