That Abigail Look

I had a doctors appointment today and got to hear my babies heart beat for the second time but this was the first time Brian was there and while we were listening to the babies heart beat I was remember how Brian's face look when he first heard Abigail, it was the same look as today but that look was his Abigail look, it was the look of a loving father and he had that look every time he was near Abigail, he really had it if I would share and let him hold her. That look will always be his Abigail look even as he hears the heart beat of his new baby I will always think that is his Abigail look. When I think about holding my baby for the first time, I go over the first time Abigail was handed to me, and how awkward I was, may it be that I was a new mommy or that she could only be held a certain way and I think if I have a "normal" baby I am going to be even awkwarder than when I held Abigail. In my mind I want everything thing to be the way it was with Abigail minus the hospitals I loved the way she was so different and had her own way about her and I don't want to learn anything new. Everything a mom learns from her first baby she is suppose to be able to carry that learning in to her second, third, and maybe fourth baby but not me. I will have to fight the want to put the baby on it's tummy to sleep, for that is not the safe way anymore, but it was Abigail's way. I will have to learn how to use a really bottle, and not the bottle that you pump your breast milk in to, for that was all Abigail would drink out of (DIVA). This baby like most babies will probably want to be swaddled but I am not going to want to because I loved how Abigail would just lay on my chest and share her blankets with me so we could snuggle EVERY time she slept. I told these some what selfish thought to my mother who has had three kids and she told you will have to learn things over but every mother learns something from each kid that she didn't already know like with Jess she didn't like a binky but me and Tyler loved ours, or that I really like men but Tyler really like woman to hold us. She told me that my thoughts are not selfish in the way that I want to do things exactly how I did them with Abigail that all mom remember and cherish everything about their first. And the thing that hit home to me was that she said Abigail my first showed me how to be a mom and taught me how to love, and appreciate what motherhood was and that was one of the most important lessons that every mom can carry on to her next child. And than I got other words of wisdom from my sister (who is not a mom but think she is my mother sometimes) saying that every year things change it might be okay for babies to lay on their tummies in April, and Abigail might whisper in to her siblings ear and say it helps mom to relax if you lay on her chest and share your blanket with her. So I will learn, over come, and adapted but I will not forget my main lessons Abigail taught me, oh how she continues to teach.

Lost but never forgotten

Oh what a scare, early last week Brian got a call from a gentleman on his flight asking me if I could go down to the hospital for a baby boy had just passed away and the mom had asked if i would come. Now there was no thinking involved I knew I was need and mine and Brian's feelings would have to wait so I went to the hospital and helped the best I could. Brian got out of his class early so he could lend a helping hand to this mom in need. But that night me and Brian sat down and our emotions from the day just came out. I had kind of a chip on my shoulder cause the whole day i had to hide my emotions but to be completely honest I wanted to just crawl in my bed and cry the whole day away. Hearing that another baby had died just brought me right back to that night my baby girl pasted, this might not be the best way to deal with it but I block that night I think of other nights were she would lie on my chest and sleep or her big pretty baby eye looking at me as i feed her, but that morning that one horrid night came back and stuck with me the whole day. It has been about a week and though I have since been able to block that night out again I am still reminded that I had a great baby girl and she was taken from me and though I trust God and his plan it is still really hard. My lat post was of my new baby news and how excited we are but for a little bit I couldn't help but be sad that I will never hold my Abigail again and I felt for all the mom's that had lost their babies. But like I said I have since put up a new block and only think of the happy times and remember that Abigail gave me a new blessing and hope in the future that other mom's will be bless by their lost ones with a new joy.